Now you’ve seen some examples of how other people have set goals, why not give it a go?
Remember what it is you really want to be able to do. Write it down and break it down into manageable steps. Ask someone to help if you want.
Now you can have a look at some of the other topics in SelfHelp4Stroke and you will be well on your way.
Kelly and Jean in the cafe – not getting help
Sometimes the situation can be different. Friends and family might want to let you do things for yourself and not realise that you are having difficulty. This can be just as frustrating.
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Kelly: Is it awful busy out there
Jean: Oh it was busy. I forgot what you asked for, was it tea?
Kelly: Um no, it was coffee actually, but…och
Jean: (putting out tea things). I’ve got some nice cakes….. you can have whichever one you fancy….. I know which one I want
Kelly: (struggles to open the sugar packet one handed)…. could I get a wee bit of help here, I’m just really struggling with these sachets
Jean: Try it yourself, and see how you get on..
Kelly: (shakes sachet of sugar over the table, missing cup)
Jean: (Is oblivious to this as she is looking at her phone and drinking her coffee)
Kelly: (then reaches for cake, but knocks over some things on the table and struggles to remove cake from wrapping)
Jean: Oh, you’re making a mess.
Kelly: Well, if you give me some help I might not have made a mess.
Jean: What was that? (Jean ignores her as she is texting on her phone)
As you can see this did not work out well either. Kelly was just as frustrated at Jean not helping.
Something to think about
- Has this happened to you?
- What were you trying to do at the time?
- Who was with you?
- How did you feel?
- What could have made it better?
Now let’s go on to see what would happen if the situation was different again.…
Guidance for Day 3. Writing Session
For the third and final writing session please select the soundclip.
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For today’s session it is suggested that you write about your event from 3 different viewpoints:
- Firstly, how you feel, today, right now, about the event and all that happened around it. Turn away from recalling past feelings and just concentrate on how you are feeling at this present time.
- Secondly, try to write about how you coped, are coping and whether you or anyone else did or said something that was / is helpful.
- And finally, looking at the event as a whole write about what you may have learned about yourself. Would you do / say anything different and what have you taken from this whole event that could carry over to being helpful in emotionally challenging events in the future?
Well done, you have completed your first 3 day writing experience. You might be wondering what happens next, what you do with your story, so have a look at the next page for some helpful suggestions.
Key Point
It is helpful to remember that the third writing session should focus on 3 aspects. The first, being how you feel today about your chosen event. The second, how you are coping and the third what you may learned about yourself as a result of this experience.
Set your own goals
Now you may be ready to set your own goals: download the goal setting plan [.pdf, 49 KB]
Here are some ideas to help;
- I want to have more confidence in communicating and be less self critical
- I want to work on being more assertive
- I want to find someone to confide in
- I want to learn to cope with larger groups and new situations
- I want to accept the changes to my communication since my stroke
- I want to find an easy way to talk about my stroke
- I want to enjoy conversations again
- I want to embrace technology to help me communicate
- OR something else
Key point
Remember, writing what you want to do and how you’re going to go about it will help you get there.
Kelly and Jean in the cafe – asking for help
Asking for help can be difficult, but if it done early on it is likely you will get the right balance.
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Jean: The cakes all look amazing, I’ve got what you asked for – a nice wee cup of tea
Kelly: Oh, thank you (takes cup)
Jean: Just let me know if you need any help
Kelly: Oh thanks, I will do (reaches for sugar sachet)
Kelly: (tries to open sugar sachet)….actually, do you mind if you give me a wee hand opening my sugar it’s quite tricky doing it with one hand, I’m not quite there with the other one yet
Jean: Sure…
Jean: (Opens sugar sachet and adds it to Kelly’s tea)
Jean: There… you ok with the spoon
Kelly: yeah thanks
Jean: Now, how about a wee cake
Kelly: Need you ask….
Jean: (hands over plate of cakes)
Kelly: oh they all look lovely don’t they, I think I’ll go for that one, cheers. I’ve been looking forward to this, do you know this is the first time I’ve been out since I came home from hospital
Jean: Oh gosh
Kelly: Seems like forever, but I’m glad to be out and about again
Jean: It’s so nice to have you back
Kelly: Thanks. So what’s all the gossip, I feel like I’ve missed out on so much
Jean: Well, wait till I tell you this…
Kelly and Jean have at last found the right balance. We can see that getting it right can make a positive difference.
Lets go onto to see what we have learned from Kelly and Jeans experience.
Conclusion
Communication always involves at least two people, so the responsibility to make it work well is shared.
When you work together this will help you feel in control and understood.
Remember it doesn’t have to be right all the time.
What we’ve learned from Kelly and Jean
As Kelly and Jean’s situation shows;
- Asking for help can be difficult
- Others don’t always know when we need help – we need to tell them.
- If we don’t communicate our need for help it can leave us feeling frustrated and neglected
- If others know we will ask for help when needed:
- It stops them jumping in too soon
- It gives them the confidence to allow us to ‘have a go’
- Good communication is really important
Something to try
- People tend to need help with a lot of different things after stroke, e.g. talking, housework, getting around, sharing how they are feeling.
- Is there anything you need help with, but have been afraid to ask?
- You may find it helpful to explore Talking & Sharing.
What Happens Next?
For suggestions on how to continue your writing therapy select the sound clip below and explore the more information section.
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Edit, elaborate, expand your story. Consider writing more regularly in this way if you found it helpful. If you do this then always remember to explore aspects such as your coping, what you learned, rather than simply releasing the gasket and writing about pent up feelings only. If you find yourself running over the same emotional ground shift gear towards the more story-like format outlined in the 3 day writing instructions.
Conclusion
We have seen in this section how a stroke can affect your relationships.
We heard from people who all had different experiences with their relationships following stroke. Your experiences may be different again.
Thinking about your relationships may have thrown up some problems or challenges, but I’m sure you’ve started to look at some solutions to these.
Frequently Asked Questions
Well done you have completed your 3 day writing experience. So what next? See our frequently asked questions below.
You could expand your story. If you have found this useful consider writing in a more regular way. Remember though to look at what you learned, how you coped rather than just getting things off your chest. If you find you go over the same thing try to move on by sticking to the format described in day 3.
Q1. How will I know when writing to heal might be a good idea?
A. Be guided by your own sense of what’s not feeling right. A good indicator of readiness to write is the feeling that something has been bothering you and keeping you awake at night. Other indicators are losing concentration easily and sensing that you have thoughts and feelings churning in your head.
Q2. What do I need to get started?
A. Some paper or a notebook and pen or you could type into your computer or talk into a recording device.
Q3. How long and when should I write?
A. Set aside 15 to 20 minutes for 3 days in a row (or once a week for 3 consecutive weeks). Time of day doesn’t matter but you may want to make sure you won’t be disturbed.
Q4. Is there a best place to write?
A. Where is a personal choice. Some people prefer safe comfortable areas, others a cafe or in the park.
Q5. What do I write about?
A. You might want to write about your stroke and how you live with it. Alternatively, you may wish to write about another significant event. What you choose to write about could be from the recent past or from a very long time ago. Ideally, it should be something you haven’t shared very much about with anyone else. However, even if you have shared your significant event with others you may still feel you would benefit from writing a story about it.
Q6. Can I write about more than one thing?
A.It is best to write about the same event across the 3 days. However, if you have found this writing activity useful and have other event(s) you would like to process then by all means engage in more 3 day writing sessions. Just remember to follow the guidance across the 3 days as faithfully as you can.
Q7. I'm worried that if I do this I will feel worse
A. It is quite normal to feel a bit low after writing about upsetting and significant events. It is wise to keep in mind the ‘looking after yourself’ statements listed in the Key Point box in this section.
Q8. What do I do when I have finished the 3 days?
A. It depends what you want to do with your story. You can get rid of it, or re read and review it – looking at it to see if your thoughts or feelings have changed or moved on in some way.
Download writing frequently asked questions [.pdf, 68KB ]
Key point
Don’t forget to look after yourself when writing, remember;
- Small doses rule…be strict and keep to just that 15-20 minutes writing each time.
- Breathing space….keep some time and space afterwards to think about how you felt during your writings.
- Build in something to do that you know makes you feel comfortable following your writings.
- Move on…..Let your self simply stop writing if you want.
- Privacy…take steps to make sure your writings are private unless you choose to share them.